The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
