On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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