i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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