college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
