you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
