I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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