you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
