gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
