I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
