I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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