He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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