She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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