I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
