You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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