So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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