The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am one with the molecules
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
