i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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