Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
