Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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