Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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