Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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