Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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