I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
