It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
