We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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