The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
