Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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