I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
