its not stalking. its research.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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