I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
