I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
