Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
