Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
