My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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