The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
