i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
