This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i think my cat just said my name.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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