Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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