So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
