Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
