Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
