Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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