I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Drake has all the answers
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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