Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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