I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
