What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
