I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize