Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
