He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
