What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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