Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
