she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
