i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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