So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Randomize
