I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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