We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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