I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
