hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
