you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
