Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
